Hope in Haunted Eyes
by DaughterOfSorceress-Lion
Summary: The beginning of disc three. Squalls thoughts and a few encounters with friends, a few flashbacks and a few discussions with Squalls most trusted GF before he decides to walk the walk, with Rinoa on his back. Edited aka made better albeit longer 6/29/09


AN: Me writing at two in the morning for lack of anything better to do… yes that includes sleep which I should be doing but am not. I love the night. Ok… early morning. Then revise in the morning or… rather afternoon.

AN2(6/29/09): Fixed some things that have been bugging me, added a bit… a lot, I know it was already long, but oh well, I'm happier now…

Warning: One F-bomb

FYI: I own nothing. SQUARENIX owns the world (ffVIII) so um… yah. On with me story eh?

Summery: The beginning of disc three. Squalls thoughts and a few encounters with friends, a few flashbacks and a few discussions with Squalls most trusted GF before he decides to walk the walk, with Rinoa on his back.

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Hope in Haunted Eyes

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_Too many things were different. So many things were going too fast. This isn't me. I have no choice. Of course I have a choice. But… that alternative is one I can't accept. Why can't I accept it… how can something like this hurt… like this. _

**Is this not unlike when Ellone left?**

_Yes Ellone leaving caused me pain as a child. But just to look at her, she inhales and exhales twice a minute. Only twice. It's… HYNE!!! SQUALL what is wrong get a hold of yourself. _

He just stared at her for another undisturbed hour. Not another thought passed through his mind. Not the need to sleep, eat, drink. For the fact that he really hadn't done much of any of those three over the past several days, going to the bathroom hadn't been on the top of his need to do list for a while either. Total depressing mood killer right there, but not for Squall, it was just a fact. Dr. Kadowaki had been pestering him saying that the lack of one, let alone all four was not healthy for him. So she had insisted that when he visited Rinoa, if he didn't have something to eat, he would be force fed hospital food. He obliged… sometimes. Sometimes he didn't care, just needing to see her. He'd skip the cafeteria, and just ate what Kadowaki put in front of him, forcing his stomach to keep it down.

Despite this… this need to watch her, he did not sit in the infirmary all the time. During the day he was attempting to get a grasp on his "commander duties". Still his attention span was considerably lacking, but most were honestly impressed that he was actually trying. Others saw it for what it was; a distraction.

While the group of six had been inside Galbadia Garden the war waged outside. Eventually the SeeD's through much pain and dedication moved the last of the Galbadian Soldiers to either surrender or runaway. The remaining dead soldiers were catalogued by their tags and burned. Heartless perhaps, but it was the easiest way to dispose of enemy corpses. Balamb's own dead however could be identified. After their internal memorial service, the bodies had been put on Galbadia Garden as it limped it way to Balamb. They would be buried in the SeeD cemetery near Balamb unless a family member specified otherwise. Several SeeD's had gone to Balamb taking a spare sub-boat to inform any family of the SeeD's that had died, and set up a digging Squad most likely to come from one of Dollet's Chain Gang's. After all the bodies had been taken to Balamb the SeeD volunteer flying the Galbadian Garden would take it to FH where it could be repaired and upgraded.

But there were still the injured to deal with. Dr. Kadowaki had been swamped. Some things magic just couldn't take care of. There had been no space for a brooding depressed teenager to sit and watch a nearly lifeless girl barely breathe. He hadn't felt like using his Gunblade, it had slaughtered too many that day. With the Training Center out, he tried to get some rest when everything had settled down. Before sleep one thinks, and when Squall thought, it all came back to Rinoa, and anything dealing with her would send him into a haze, with the strongest pain he had ever felt. When it hit he could not move, he could not breathe, he could not think.

Not wanting to train and unable to sleep the next thing that came to mind was 'how the hell does one go about being a commander?' This had not been thought outright, he was just desperate, desperate for anything to take his mind off of this agony he felt. No he didn't honestly like the sound of the job, but with NORG gone, Cid needed help. And with Cid staying with Edea, Xu was helping him the best she could while taking over for Cid. Though she was higher in rank than Squall was, she too deferred to him, just as Quistis did. She said it was because Cid had placed him in charge. When she turned twenty five, she would not stay as she had other plans in life. He needed to get used to this.

The students would follow Squall into battle. Regardless of his anti-socialism, he was well respected for his fighting abilities. They didn't have to like him, but they would follow him. Cid knew that Squall had a natural leading ability; he just didn't like to lead, to have others rely on him. Squall had done well during the battle against Galbadia Garden. He didn't know it but he had gained even more respect out of that fight. He hadn't treated it as an extension of Seifer's and his rivalry. He had made only necessary, precise orders and had done so with a (seemingly) confident demeanor. His conduct in the large scale battle had been different from what everyone had seen before. He was everywhere at once, yet everyone had the chance to prove themselves. He did his best to help his friends (his stunt with Rinoa, despite the timing had not gone unnoticed) and actually seemed to care about everyone's well being. And most of all, his speech was off the top of his head, and so to speak, strait from his… heart, for lack of better words. It had done its job and everyone got the slightest glimmer of the real Squall, the one that Rinoa had begun to uncover.

For this and his _continued_ training in the Training Center and his attempt at _trying_ to do his new job and not _completely_ ignoring everyone, he got quite a few nods, salutes, Sir's, and Commander's (as Quistis and Xu had dubbed him). He seemingly had the status and respect that his rival had always wanted. When he thought of this he felt the slightest whisper of a pang of guilt, but only that, a whisper. Seifer, possessed or not, had been the cause of this. Edea too had been the cause of this, but Matron had been possessed by Ultimicia, just as Seifer might still be. If he could use that excuse so easily for Matron then why not Seifer.

_I have a headache._

**It's because you don't want to Squall, you want to believe he is Evil. Yes your rivalry was based upon a mutual respect and dislike for each other, but not hate, so why believe he is Evil? Is it because if he is, then there's less of a threat that he'll take her away?**

_Her._

**Ri…**

_SHUT UP! SHUT UP!!! NO! It's nothing like that, why would it be. That's ridiculous._

Squall shot up and left the infirmary at the late hour. He needed to stop thinking. He needed to stop thinking about…

**Rinoa…**

_SHUT UP!!_

He grabbed his Gunblade from his locker in the Training Center and went to defeat a few T-Rexaurs and possibly mercilessly murder a few Grats. It was mind numbing, just like paperwork. Though instead of getting stiff in a chair he was able to move around, and feel the adrenalin rush and euphoria of battle. Only the past week, there had been no such feeling. The only feeling he had was an immeasurable amount of physical pain in his chest. Something that caused him at times to gasp for breath when no one was looking, if it ever hit when people were there, he just wouldn't breathe and when he did, he made sure to breath 'manually' so to speak, to force it smoothly.

This pain if he let himself think too much he, yes the 'Great Squall Leonhart', would collapse. He had once in the infirmary, then Ellone had been so nice to decide to visit. Sarcasm yes, though it did release him from the pain, for a while.

* * *

He had once collapsed in the Infirmary. Squall at the time was, unknown to anyone else, trapped in the mind of a moron. Dr. Kadowaki walked in and saw Squall on his knees, his head leaning against the mattress. Never would she have thought to see the day when Squall Leonhart would be on his knees for a girl, she would have chuckled, but it wasn't that kind of kneeling. The boy was in pain, a kind she hadn't seen in a while. A pain not often experienced by teenagers. Yes there was always pain if a boyfriend or girlfriend broke up, there was even more if they died on the field. But few ever felt this kind of pain.

Squall was not one of a kind, there were many who shelled up because of loss, at any age. There were some that came away with no drive in anything, and others that drove themselves to the max, Squall was the latter. Either way, the loner created from loss, if ever to find companionship in any form again would no doubt feel more pain than one who had not been a loner, if that companionship was lost. Squall was such a loner, and often this kind of thing would drive loners back to the brink to where they would once again have to decide to drive oneself forward or remain stagnant. If they did go forward, they would have to decide if they were going to change.

She didn't know Rinoa that well. She had seen her for a protocol check up upon her arrival, after the whole NORG mess. From what little she had seen from the reaction between the two, there was definitely something there, she could get to Squall like no other… well Seifer could, but in a very different way. Since their arrival, Squall actually put forth more than a "…" or a "… whatever". In fact he had been more willing to talk, though to no great extent, to basically his other five teammates. Even that flirt of a Galbadian, Irvine.

The truth was, she had only seen this kind of pain once, and the man that would have any clue, she hadn't had a chance to talk to, not after she realized what…well what it might be. If it was… She was no Odine. She left the boy in peace, though he would probably be stiff in the morning.

On second thought… she went to the cafeteria to go get him some breakfast that she would wake him up and shove it down his throat if she had too. She wouldn't tell him to get sleep in his own room, she had tried that, it had been pointless. When she came back however he was gone.

* * *

He had once collapsed in his office. Squall had been standing up, thinking (what else) of the letter Matron had written for the White SeeD's, looking out a window of his temporary office in one of the classrooms not being used on the second floor. He had been behind his desk thankfully.

Squall had managed to crawl up against the wall, arms wrapped around his legs, head on his knees. Zell had walked in. It had reminded him of that five year old boy in his favorite Charlie Brown shirt after Sis had left the Orphanage. Did he comfort him, did he leave him alone. Squall still didn't like letting people in, Zell almost said something, but he had been standing there too long. Squall looked up,

"Do you need something?" Squall had asked, it had sounded like it was meant to come out defensive, but came out soft and resigned instead.

"I got the short stick." Zell forced a chuckle, his normally jovial energetic personality subdued. He wasn't honestly sure if Squall would get that joke. He had looked at the commander who pressed his lips together probably meant as a grim smile. Squall looked at the floor with that same expression.

"I'll be fine." Zell sighed quietly at this.

"You need anything…"'

"Thanks."

"What friends are for man." Squall put his head back on his knees ending the conversation. As Zell was leaving as he Heard Nida and Xu in the hallway, he opened the door to leave; the two came in and saluted. Zell turned back around and saw the commander in his seat working diligently on his pile of paperwork. Squall stood up and saluted the two back. Zell retreated from the office knowing that to speak of what he had seen would be to invite death.

* * *

He had once collapsed in the Training center. Squall was in the Training center on his knees, arms wrapped around his chest as if to prevent it from falling apart, a position one could expect a child to have when in pain. But he was not a child, this was not him. This position of vulnerability was not Squall Leonhart. It confused him, this made no sense. Why was there so much pain?

**Because you like her Leonhart.**

_People don't fall on their knees feeling like their falling apart if they like someone. Do they? HUH? _

**I doubt it.**

_Then why Damn it? You're not making any sense!_

**Do you really want me to voice it?**

…

**Because you lov…**

_SHUT… JUST SHUT UP!_

**You asked…**

_It's not even close to that, who said I considered her a friend let alone like her anyways?_

**Who do you consider a friend?**

…

**It might not hurt so much if you didn't try to deny it.**

_Deny what?_

**You keep these feelings welled up inside because you don't know what they are.**

_What feelings._

**You say you don't know what they are, but you do.**

_What…_

**Is your Pride worth the Pain?**

…

**This isn't the best of places to be doubled over in pain for any one let alone the…**

"COMMANDER?!"

"Shit!" he mumbled as he scrambled to his feet leaning over to grab his Gunblade. He figured someone had seen him and struggled to find a reason to be in such a position.

… _Leaning over to pick up Gunblade lodged in ribcage on ground under Rexaur._

**Uh-huh…**

_It's Selphie and she called me commander… Why she knows I hate that?_

**Maybe that's why.**

It hadn't been. There were several other cadets that were turning the corner doing morning warm ups.

"You ok?"

"Yah, I just had to get my Gunblade from under the T-Rexaur, it got lodged in its ribcage." He hoped that sounded good enough. Little did he know she had seen his Gunblade at his side, and seen him pick it up.

"No, it wasn't"

_Damn it!_ "Uh…" She didn't let him get a new idea and started to relay her message.

"We tried to get a hold of you but you didn't answer your pager." He looked at it and saw fifteen missed pages, then he saw the time, 7:53. Perfect. He pointed to the monster beside him.

"Sorry got a little caught up." She nodded her head.

"Nida wanted me to tell you that she found the ship on our scope," she looked at her watch, "It's about half an hour out." She saw the look in his eyes, the look that had been haunting his friends for the past week, slowly lift. He was sure to keep it from rising too much; he hated disappointment and so never wanted to get his hopes up. But even if Ellone was there, that look wouldn't go away until Rinoa was awake. They all knew that.

"I'll wash up then head for the deck."

"Kay"

* * *

He had collapsed in the ballroom. Ellone was in Esthar, the small relief he had felt at finding the White SeeD ship came crashing down. The berating he had received from Zone, and to a slight degree Watts had not left him with any better sentiments on this being his fault. Things were worse; he was burying himself in anything he could find. Squall had a master key, every nook and cranny was open to him. He had planned on going to the training center after Dr. Kadowaki had kicked him out, telling him to get sleep and giving him a shot to help.

_Oh yah, like a mini tranquilizer is going to put me out. I'll be lucky if it numbs the pain, let alone lets me rest._

**One never knows, but you could always try.**

_Why bother? It's harder to breathe when I'm lying down._

… **(The mental equivalent of a sigh)**

_What?_

**Nothing… Are you paying any attention to where you are going?**

_To the Training Center… Where else would I be going?_

**A place of memories, perhaps?**

_Oh yes, loads of memories in the Training Center._

**Was that… Sarcasm?!**

_No._

… **(The mental equivalent of a chuckle). Commander, look where you are.**

_What do you mean, where I am? I'm heading…_

Squall was lost in shock, then his body was racked with pain once more. He had not been paying attention, just following his robotic pathways. He set himself on autopilot so he could think; apparently the 'autopilot' malfunctioned. He was in the middle of the ballroom. He looked back on his unclaimed awareness of how he got here. It was all there, walking down several hallways, using his key, walking inside, and staring up from the middle of the floor. The night swiftly covered the day, the stars coming out, one by one. Now the floor held his undivided attention, as he wished for a falling star.

**Hmm… Falling star? What happened to calling them meteors?**

…

**Child, why do you wish for a falling star?**

_There's too many reasons._

Despite his pain, he looked to the sky, it was dark, the stars twinkled brightly. He sat there for some time, just waiting for a glimpse of her, of hope, of the SeeD he had been, the one that would not be affected like this, that could drown this out, that knew this would be the result of any social attachment, however small. At that moment Squall wished he could be that SeeD, that cold hearted SeeD. His ability to not care began to die when he first met her here. And now he was in pain. He wished to go back to that night and leave before she had damned him. In fact he wished that he could go back to their exam, not agree with Seifer, possibly get into a fight, who knows…

_So long as who went to timber, would not be me, if Seifer passed he could go, if he didn't and I was around to make sure he didn't go, Ultimicia wouldn't take him, Seifer wouldn't be where he's at now, I wouldn't have to care._

**You wish to relive your memory, to have hope. You want to feel hope… Last I heard, it was something for the weak to grasp on to, was it not Commander?**

…

**Then you wish for your old heart, so you would not feel pain. But you knew that you would feel it anyway. So you wish to take all this back, this memory of you and her, strangers on a dance floor? You wish to see Seifer in your place? You wish not to… care? You admit to caring?**

…

**Well?**

… _No. I just… Things would not be as they are; Seifer and I would still just be rivals, no sorceresses, no knights…_

**No Rinoa in a coma? No Rinoa at all? Rinoa in Seifer's arms?**

Squall could no longer look to the sky, his breathing ragged once again.

_Maybe that's how it should be, how it's supposed to be. He had her first anyway._

**Had her first? And who has her now…?**

_That's not what…_

… **You meant? I know… It was rather possessive, most would not think of you like that.**

_I'm not. You know that._

**Are you so sure you do?**

_What… What the Hell are you…_

'**He had her first anyway'**

_WORDS ARE USELESS, they can be twisted into something that they're not. That's why I hardly talk out loud; you know that, you've been in my head far long enough to understand._

**Fix it then. Think about it CHILD!**

_She was with him this summer. He came dashing to her rescue like the good hero any boyfriend should be._

… **(The mental equivalent of a smirk). And when did you come to think that coming to her rescue is something a boyfriend should do.**

…_?_

**How many times have you had to save her?**

_!!! NOT WHAT I MEANT! ALL I'm trying to say is that Seifer actually gave a damn and came to help her when I could have cared less. If it wasn't for all this sorceress from the future Shit, then there wouldn't be a problem, Rinoa and Seifer could have their Summer, WHATEVER would come after, and she wouldn't have to mope around like she did at Galbadia Garden before we left for Deling, because she loves HIM!_

**LOVES HIM, LEONHART? I KNOW **_**YOU**_** ARE NOT **_**THAT**_** DENSE! Think about it boy. What did she say?**

_What does it matter?_

**We GF's didn't know that we hid your memories, for that I am sorry, we all are, but we hide your youngest one's, the meaningless one's, that moment was not when you were young, nor was it meaningless.**

_SO WHAT?!_

**Why did you leave that room at Galbadia, really? You don't want to be forgotten or twisted, but who is there to remember you in the first place, who is there to accurately describe you, you'd be twisted anyways. Was that the only reason?**

_It was random, and uncalled for, I felt like an Idiot._

**You felt like an idiot for what? For that little outburst or for starting to care about her then to have her come crashing down and say that she THOUGHT it was love. THOUGHT Leonhart!**

_WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN STARTED TO CARE FOR HER?! She was annoying and stuck on him like Velcro. You didn't have to be with her long to figure that one._

**Why did it bother you?**

_IT DIDN'T!_

**IT SURE AS HELL BOTHERS YOU NOW!**

_NO IT DOESN'T!_

**She went over to Seifer before she passed out.**

_Shut up._

**You didn't like that DID YOU?**

_SHUT UP!_

**ANSWER THE QUESTION!**

_NO!_

**WHY?**

_I DON'T FUCKING HAVE TO!_

**Yes master, please forgive me. It just so happens that you ASKED me at one point to serve another. You have junctioned me the longest, and trusted me when you chose to trust no one else. Why is it that the one you seemed to trust so much, you gave to a petty girl that annoyed you? Hmm? Why not Ifrit, or Quezacotl? Why did you have me watch over her? Why did you give her a GF at all? She was quick with the item bags and her fighting abilities where not objectionable for a human. **

…

**Why me?**

… _I, I don't know._

**I do. It's why I agreed.**

_... W - What?_

**In time child, in time.**

It was then that the door opened and Squall looked up from his fetal position to see the last person he really wanted to.

* * *

Quistis and Squall hadn't really talked since Trabia; neither had taken the initiative to try. She knew he wouldn't. Yes they saw each other as they tried to hold the garden together without NORG or Cid, and they had seen each other when visiting Rinoa and on her 'short stick day' as it had been dubbed. She knew they needed to get this over with, and she knew now was not the best time. She knew he'd rather she find a wall, and she knew he would probably just throw her a whatever.

_So what? He's being foolish. He needs to hear what I have to say, regardless of whether he actually listens. At least I'll know I tried._

She searched high and low, nearly giving up. That is till she saw the light coming from the ballroom, it looked to be just the maintenance lighting, but still, she saw all the maintenance jobs for the next week, the ballroom wasn't on it.

She cracked the door open to find the last thing she ever could have expected. For a single moment she was back at the orphanage looking out a rain covered window at a little broken boy, waiting for his Sis. She wanted so badly to make him smile like Sis used to. But she never could, no one could. Not until a few months ago, in a darkened ballroom, looking out at the fireworks, the slightest of smiles playing at his lips, with a girl that wasn't her, next to him. He would never be hers; that was simple. Sometimes hard to accept, but accept it she would.

Her two brief memories brought her to the present with that little boy transforming into a young man, old beyond his years, with pain in his eyes, his haunted eyes he tried to hide. The steel behind the blue was gone, leaving only regret and pain behind. He had not shed a tear; his eyes were still too cold for that. There was still too much ice on the outside. He saw her piercing and perceptive look, and averted his gaze back down to the floor, not bothering to move, she had seen him, what did he have to lose by staying there. Anything she had planned to say flew out the window, yet she knew she had to talk to him. She walked forward and sat on her knees, her skirt going over them and tucked under her legs.

"Squall?"

"…" _What was I expecting? What do I want to say?_

"You once told me to talk to a wall…" He visibly cringed at this, not a lot, but it was there. "You told me that, because it is what you believe. You knew I had feelings for you and you didn't want to screw with it, so stuck in your own head."

"… I'm sorry." _Squall Leonhart, saying sorry…_ She nearly laughed in amazement.

"Come to think of it I'm not sure how much it was sisterly, and how much it was… otherwise. It never mattered, because you were unreachable, I couldn't get hurt if I could never have what I wanted."

_I can't believe I'm saying this, I can't believe he's listening._

"Yes I tried, it was halfhearted. Something to keep my heart busy while not getting close enough to get hurt. What I failed to realize was that it didn't matter being close or not, it hurt anyways."

"Quistis I…"

"Shut up, I'm talking to a wall. You just so happen to be in the same room."

"…"

"The others don't understand fully why you hide your pain. They never knew how much there was. To be honest neither did I."

"…"

"Squall, you stayed away from everyone so that you wouldn't get hurt, but that was all you felt instead, no happiness, you eventually believed that to be hurt was to be numb. You'd swat people away like Zell shadow boxes." She forced a smile.

"Regardless of how you may feel, even when you keep someone an arm's length away, if there is the slightest feeling other than numbness, it doesn't matter how far away you keep them, it's going to hurt if you lose them. Yes the distance you hold someone at may make a difference in how much it hurts, but that's not the point." He looked up at her questioningly with the 'what are you getting at' look.

"The closer you let someone be, the more memories you have. Some good, some bad, some funny, some sad. Even in the hurt, the more good memories you harbor, the easier it will be to face the pain. When she wakes up, don't forget that."

He continued looking at her as he tried to hide the confused child his friends… yes friends had seen the past few days, what no one else could imagine existed.

"Squall, as much as you don't want to hear this, as much as I don't want to admit any of this, you need to hear it. I didn't want to get hurt, I've accepted the outcome, I'm doing my best to move on, to learn from both you and Rinoa. That sometimes the hurt is worth it, to stop chasing shadows when you can have something real. I don't think you grasp that yet."

"…What?"

"That you can have what you want, all you have to do is fight for it. Rinoa did, the question is, why aren't you?"

_I hope that was understandable. I hope he at least comprehended some of that. I hope he doesn't take it the wrong way._

She got up and left him just sitting there, still very confused. Hardly saying a word, understanding very few of hers. His pain unnoticed, now occupied by confusion at Quistis's openness, and her logic, and her implied sentiments between Rinoa and himself. The one's he was finally beginning to start to understand.

* * *

He had once collapsed in his shower. Had Squall been in any other state of mind he would have been embarrassed by this fact, but he felt nothing, nothing other than pain. Angelo poked her head past the curtain into his small shower. She licked the air trying to catch water droplets. He actually managed to feel amused despite the pain. She didn't come in thankfully, not only was there not enough room, but the last thing he wanted was a wet dog in his dorm. She laid her head down on her paws, keeping away from the spray of the water, but not leaving the shower entirely.

Selphie had been taking care of her. She was especially good with the get around the rules thing. Animals were not supposed to be in Garden; Angelo had been an 'unnoticed' exception to the rule. However, Selphie was down with Rinoa, no doubt with Irvine. Just the thought of her name triggered another burst of pain knocking the wind out of him again. The water was turning lukewarm; it was the last thing on his mind.

* * *

"I'll tell Dr. Kadowaki about your stunt in the Training Center if you don't go get some sleep." Squall gave Selphie a look that would strike fear into anyone who didn't know him.

"We'll stay with her. You're not the only one who wants to spend time with her you know. Let's see what time where you planning to go to the Infirmary?"

"Five."

"I'll come by at… uh… seven ok?" It was more a question. He stuck to the tried and true method of.

"… Whatever"

"Kay. Zell and Ali, his friend-girl from the library, will stay with her while we eat in the cafeteria. Then Irvine will make sure you go to your room and I will grab Angelo, drop her off with her stuff, then Irvine and I will go down and take the night shift. She'll never be alone, you can get some rest, and Dr. Kadowaki stays off your back." She was still Hyper Selphie, but not as loud as normal. He didn't look at her but nodded, supporting himself with a hand on his desk, leaning most of his weight on it, trying not to fall on his knees in pain. She gave him a quick hug, one he had no chance of retaliation, such as yelling or beating over the head with the hilt of his Gunblade, if he could lift it at the moment.

* * *

Zell and Ali had peeped in. He looked up and saw them trying to smile.

"Rinoa was…" Zell gave Ali a small nudge, "IS! I meant, she… Rinoa is really nice. She loves books and she talked to me a bit. She's…" She was at a loss for words. Zell did his best to think of something but,

"You've nothing to prove, if you want to visit her, you have as much right too as anyone does." She quietly sighed in relief, as did Zell; he wasn't sure how Squall would take to someone out of their 'group' visiting Rinoa.

"You know most people who do, visit when they know you won't be here. I think they get freaked out that the loner can be so low." Zell tried to joke and immediately regretted it. "Sorry I…"

"It's fine Zell." Squall heard Ms. Spunky down the hallway and got up out of his chair. He gave Rinoa one last look, still not looking at Zell or Ali and went to the dinner of….

"Ready for the Dinner of Doom?" Irvine asked. Squall gave him a look that told him he was clueless.

"Try not to get too mad at Selphie. Kay?"

"… Whatever."

She spent the entire time, trying to be bubbly, without overdoing it. He had to admit, she did manage to get one of his pressed lips smiles out of him, but still it was annoying, but he put up with it, he knew she was trying, and honestly if he was honest with himself,

**Since when are YOU honest with yourself?**

_Shut up._

If he was honest with himself, he could say that he was almost… touched, was that the write word?

**Sounds good, though perhaps you think it too 'feely' for your taste.**

_Regardless, _

He was touched that there were people that would try and make him feel better. That he had…

**Friends. Is that so hard to admit to yourself? That you have friends.**

… _No I guess not._

"Squall, you're not leaving till you eat." He looked up to see Selphie looking at him with an odd glint in her eye. "And don't you dare say you're not, because I'm sure Dr. Kadowaki, would love to hear…" She knew that it would work; he didn't want to lose his distractions. With this he stabbed his fork into his salad with more force than was probably necessary and ate the rest of it quickly. He had never had their chicken salad before, it was actually rather good.

**Hmm. Noticing, which foods we like.**

_Not like I didn't before. Avoid meatloaf at all costs… and the lasagna._

**Yes, but when is the last time you had salad… any form of lettuce for that matter?**

…

**Last checked, you didn't like the stuff that she's been forcing you to try.**

… _Hm. That's almost sad, funny. Eating salad, liking salad, wonder if I could eat half a box of Deling's House Pizza?_

**If she can you can, if not more. **

Squall remembered their trip to Deling. After coming back from The Tomb of the Unknown King, they were all dirty hungry and tired. They had cleaned up and gone to Deling's House Pizza. Rinoa had suggested it. She had eaten half a pepperoni pizza on her own with a glass and a half of pop. Squall didn't even try. He averaged three. Even Zell who was able to down nearly three quarters of one, had looked at her with awe and said,

"Dude you ate like five pieces of pizza." She had just giggled and then managed to mute a very large burp with her hand. It was still very loud and had gained silence from the entire restaurant. This had earned her a high five from Zell and a handshake from Irvine (neither of which were with the hand that she used to cover her mouth). Both boys had given her congratulations. Selphie had a very long giggle fit, and Quistis had just rolled her eyes, however she was given away by her red face that she attempted to cover with her hands and small shakes that moved the table with help from her elbows. Squall had managed an amused look despite her… her

_What had I thought of her then_

…

_I didn't know so I didn't try I guess._

**What do you think of her now?**

…

Later while they moved from FH to Balamb on Garden, Rinoa had eaten a small Chicken salad with a single glass of pop. This had created a very similar situation; only this time Squall managed a half smile. Rinoa just had to point it out.

"So miracles are possible."

_I must have turned red because everyone laughed their heads off after that._

He had half smiled then and He unintentionally did so now as he finished up his salad. He looked up to see Selphie giving him a questioning look and Irvine giving him a knowing one.

"Pizza and Salad." It wasn't a question.

"Yeah." Irvine nudged Selphie

"I'll go get Angelo." She took off running and Irvine and Squall got up. They walked in silence; Squall felt a little ridiculous being 'escorted'. They ended up in his room, knowing Selphie would show up he left his door open, only to find Irvine close it. Squall sat on his bed regretting this, putting his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. Irvine sat beside him.

"You're good at hiding it from others, but we know you too well. This was a group idea. You need sleep and you need Rinoa." Squall froze. The pain that racked his body was always disconcerting. He did everything he could to keep from breathing irregularly.

"I'm sorry I didn't…" Squall didn't say anything; he couldn't, not without possibly screaming in pain. "It's odd really, sometimes, it affects you and others it doesn't. Sometimes it's from someone else, others from your own brain." Listening to Irvine let some of the pressure in his chest go. Having a…

**A friend**

_Having a friend there made it not so bad. Even Irvine. _

"Sometimes… It's from nothing at all." He closed his eyes, regretting opening his mouth, continuing anyways. "Just… extraordinary spikes of pain from nowhere. Sometimes it's worse than what happened at the Prison."

_Why am I saying this, what the hell am I doing._

**Does it hurt so much now?**

…

**The saying 'getting things of one's chest' is not said in jest you know. The more you let off to others the less you hold inside, the less pressure there is to cause you pain. Each time you let something out, the next time it hits, it might not be a big difference, but it's not as bad.**

_Relying on others… I_

**Hate it. I know.**

"You know after passing out in Deling, Selph and Quisty explained it to me on the way to the missile base, but I ended up as Kiros. Some soldiers that were still loyal to Caraway got me out. He wanted his daughter back unharmed. I was going to go back after, but she… well _when_ she gets better… you better watch out for those nails. They hurt like hell." The pain had subsided for a moment. He managed a short release of air that might have resembled a short singular laugh. He leaned against his dorm wall. He thought of her smile, of her voice, her laugh, and he tensed up for the pain. It didn't spike as bad as normal. Though he did feel himself wince at it.

_The pain, it's not so bad when I think of her sometimes, at others it's horrific._

**It depends on how you remember her. To remember her alive, in happiness, amusement, even annoyance, or anger; or to remember her with longing, without hope.**

_Hope?_

**Something foreign to you I know. I will admit, even I was becoming slightly worried that you would not come to know the meaning of the word.**

_You? Worried?_

**Just because someone appears cold, does not mean their hearts are Squall. This is what the human race thrives on, what you look down upon, what you conceive to be a false notion.**

_Isn't it though?_

**Sometimes, sometimes not. **

"Ya know, I don't know if anyone ever told her what happened to you. Hell the only thing I know is from what Selphie told me." It was left open ended, it honestly wasn't something Squall wanted to talk about. _Now would be a great time for…_

Selphie knocked on the door and, assumedly, Angelo scratched on it. Irvine got up to answer it.

"Irvine,"

"Yeah."

"Thanks."

"Hey, having a ladies' man for a friend has its benefits." Irving smirked and lifted the front of his hat up with his index finger. Squall gave that grim pressed lip expression that barely passed as a facial expression, let alone a smile. Irvine opened the door and Squall went to stand up only to be shoved back by a very happy Angelo. The face licking was merciless. Selphie giggled. Normally this is where Squall would get really mad and shove her off. Instead he just rolled on his side which wasn't all that easy, landing Angelo on her back looking at him with her tongue hanging out. Squall sat up and wiped the dog drool off his face with the bottom of his shirt, seeing as his jacket wouldn't have a chance at doing the job. More giggling. He managed an annoyed glare, they just smiled back, as they left.

Selphie had put Angelo's food and water dish on the floor with a few toys next to it and hung her leash over his desk chair. He laid back down and got into a semi comfortable position on his bed and sighed as Angelo flipped over on her side and curled into him. He wasn't exactly happy about having dog hair all over his bed, it would take forever to get off, but he didn't push her off, his energy was severely lacking. He honestly didn't know what to do with a dog on his bed, he had seen Rinoa cuddle up to her, but this was Squall, he didn't cuddle with anything.

**You did once.**

… _Once upon a time, yeah I did._

**Same thing just positions reversed. Ellone isn't holding you after a bad dream, you're holding Angelo after a bad week.**

Squall snorted at this. He looked at his clock, 8:32 He heard his door open and looked at it. It was Irvine.

"Ah… I lost a game of rock paper scissors, please, please don't shish-kebab me with your Gunblade tomorrow." Squall could only imagine what that meant. He started to get up… the next thing he knew his alarm clock had moved to 4:11. Nearly eight hours of sleep. Peaceful, dreamless, painless sleep. His arm was around a fluffy mass he could only see the outline of in the dark from his clocks light. He snuggled up closer to Angelo without thinking about it.

He stiffened when he did, but he did not let go, no one was there to notice, he relaxed. Then a rather unusually errant thought hit him.

_I wonder what it would be like to hold Rinoa like this._

… **(The equivalent of a mental chuckle could be heard), hope will get you there.**

… _It hurt more when I lost the hope that Sis was coming back. With it, will it… hurt less?_

**Yes… why do you think people cling to it? Hope is a powerful thing. It incites action to get what one hopes for.**

Squall sighed and decided to take a shower, he wasn't going to get any more sleep; leaving Angelo on the bed.

_Action… What the hell can I do?_

**You already know. Why did you order Nida to go back to FH?**

_Garden needs repairs after that last fight, we've been taking care of things, but some are just jury rigged._

**Yes… An excellent cover. Just like at Galbadia garden when you made sure Rinoa was in your party.**

_She was my client, is my client. She's my responsibility, not Irvine's._

**Yes to protect her, is your responsibility, that's why you took a detour to get her off the cliff.**

_Well everyone was bugging me and I happened to see her nearby so there was no point in just letting her hang there, and fall to her…_

And so here he was collapsed in his shower in immeasurable pain, just the thought was horrifying. He looked at Angelo still in the same spot almost all the way out of the shower, who now had her eyes closed. The pain was finally letting up.

**If you remember, the contract it was to help them until timber was liberated. It never said you had take them to safety, or that you had to keep an eye on them, or that you had to protect them, or that you had to save them. Where would she be if you hadn't?**

… _She'd be awake, she'd be alive, she'd laugh, she'd cry, she'd yell, she'd talk, she'd annoy …_

**You? She wouldn't be here, to do that though. For all you know if you had left her in timber she'd be dead,**

_Maybe,_

**If you had let her be in Irvine's party she could be dead, **

_Shut up._

**If you had left her for the Iguions to eat she would be dead, **

_Shut UP!_

**If you had sent her to the missile base even though she was an outsider, she could be dead, **

_SHUT UP!_

**If Cid had been the one to go down into the sub levels, you all would likely be dead, no offence to the old man. **

_STOP_

**If you hadn't been there when you were, she could be dead.**

_STOP!_

**If you hadn't defeated NORG, you'd all be dead.**

_STOP IT!_

**If you had kept her in your party she could be dead.**

_SHUT UP. STOP!_

**If you hadn't saved her from the Quad she'd be dead.**

_JUST SHUT UP!_

**If you aren't there for her she could die, even if you are there she could die.**

_STOP! PLEASE…_

**Sometimes there's nothing you can do. Face it, they could all be dead, they could still die, everyone dies at the end of life. Zell, Selphie, Irvine, Quistis, Cid, Edea, Ellone, Rinoa, YOU!**

_PLEASE!_

**Face it COMMANDER! Every decision you make could kill them, could kill you. IT COULD KILL HER!**

_Stop! Please… just…_

In the shower water dripped all over his crumpled form, you would never know if he cried then, even he didn't, but he could have.

**Child…**she said her voice no longer demanding or accusing, but soft and comforting**… If you do nothing now, she could live or she could die too. All humans die, all family's die, all friends die, all lovers die, all soul mates die… you fear this loss, all humans fear this loss. It is human to fear, it is human to hurt, it is human hate, it is human to regret, it is human to die. But it is also human to live, it is human to want, it is human to love, it is human to care, it is human to hope. You my child are human.**

Squall did his best to stifle a sob.

**No one is here child, you've nothing to lose.**

This was not Squall Leonhart the Commander of SeeD in the shower. This was the broken child that stood out in the rain looking towards the sky for some sign of… hope. This was the broken child that had been hidden away at age five, suppressed along with his feelings.

**You think that by feeling none of the good, you will not feel the bad.**

"I didn't"

**Yes you did, it was all you felt, all you could feel.**

"S-so w-what?" _At least it wasn't as bad as it is now._

**Have you really let yourself feel what has caused your pain?**

…

**Is it worth feeling this pain without acknowledging the warmth that had been there, that still could?**

…

**You let her in.**

_NO! She… She WORMED her way in. I… I HATE HER!_

**So you admit she found a place in your heart. You admit that you have a strong feeling for her.**

_HATRED_

**But you admit it.**

_YES!_

**Do you hate her because you feel pain, or do you feel pain because you hate her?**

…

**Shall I answer that for you? You already know…**

_I HATE BEING LIKE THIS. I HATE FEELING, I HATE CARING, I HATE HER, I HATE THIS HYNE DAMN PAIN, I HATE HER SO MUCH. I… I…_

Another shot of pain sent his mind into a haze.

**Child…** Her motherly voice echoed in his head.

_I care about her. I hate her… because I feel pain… because I care about her… because she made me care… because she broke down my walls… because she made me feel…_

**Human?**

_And I ignored it, so I wouldn't get hurt._

**How did that turn out?**

…

**Now tell me again Child, why are we going to FH?**

The possibility he had been holding in his subconscious emerged.

… _So I can take her to Esthar, to Ellone, so she can take me back. I know she said she couldn't change anything, I know I can't, but maybe I can find a clue, anything. I just… NEED to do something._

Squalls teeth started chattering. Only now did he notice the water was freezing. The pain was… it was still there but muted. His unasked question was answered.

**THAT, Commander Leonhart, is Hope.**

He got up and noticed Angelo's eyes were open, it was kind of weird. Apparently she thought so too as she covered her eyes with a paw and whined. Squall laughed… well sort of. He turned off the water and grabbed a towel, and got ready for work.

The child who had for so long disappeared was accepted, for the first time, he accepted the child he had been. He accepted who he had become; Squall Leonheart no longer wore a mask of indifference. To be a leader indifference was impossible; to have friends indifference was impossible. He was not indifferent nor was he sappy, anything but. He was Squall Leonhart. Right now he was Commander of SeeD, and Garden would be down for the count getting repairs. He would take the girl he cared for most to where he thought he could get help for her. Yes his other friends cared for her, but this was his choice. He was going to choose to leave garden, he would leave a note, a small one, apologizing for abandoning garden.

_No better than Cid_

**Can you accept that you are leaving for one you… care about just as Cid did?**

_I… I have to._

**One more day and you can get to FH and get repairs going, then you can leave with her Squall.**

_Hmm._

**Are you sure you want to do this alone?**

_I'm sure._

**They might be upset. They might be angry. They might want to come.**

_Maybe. But I have to do this, on my own, for her, for me._

**Very well Commander.**

_Would you quit that?_

**Quit what?**

_...The title. You're a Guardian Force, not a subordinate._

**Alright… Commander.**

Squall quietly growled in frustration as he heard all his GF's laugh. He stood at his bathroom counter tucking away that five year old child, so no one would see… what lay behind his eyes. What he could not hide now was his new found hope, his haunted eyes still present, but not plagued by such an intense pain that he had been. So now he hid his eyes for a different reason. It's not that he didn't want them to see the pain; he didn't want them to see the hope. He didn't want them to stop him.

To be honest he still doubted the girl could have any feelings like he… He doubted that she could feel anything more of him than perhaps a… a friend. A subtle shot of pain made him wince. He would not be able to admit such a thing to her now, he couldn't even really admit it to himself, he might not ever admit to it. But if he could make her safe, help her find a way to get better, this was enough. He hoped he could find some way, and this hope held down a great deal of pain. Hope made him strong enough to do something, so that he wasn't just drowning in his own, once unexplainable, sorrow.

HOPE

_Shiva…_

**Yes Squall**

_Thank you._

**For what?**

_Watching over Rinoa, Watching over me… For helping me find Hope._

**It was always there, it always will be. Reach for it, and you'll find it, false or real it will be there, and it will comfort you, as will your friends, as will Rinoa, and as will I.**

* * *

AN: I know this story is anything but linear, but this is a four hour middle of the night thing to be edited later, then more until it was twice the size I started with, you know? And I don't know how OOC Squall may have been let alone everyone, because well, everyone was depressed and Ice breaks Ice finally knocking at least a little sense into everyone's favorite Hero. Le'me know what ya think. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease. Gives puppy dog eyes. R&R.


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